Monday, November 9, 2009

I prefer victim to executioner

Photo: Fotos Desde Cuba

I didn’t want to write, my paranoia was telling me that I had to wait until I was in my right mind again. These last 48 hours I have been irritable, hateful, hysterical, sympathetic, maternal and filled with homicidal instincts… I have wanted to kill and I have wanted to save. I have been grateful to the police for protecting me from State Security and have wanted to destroy this body that responds to the demands of strangers. I have wanted to be in Yoani’s body and suffer the pain, I have felt deserving of the punches or worthy of leading the way to Doomsday. I have imagined myself capable of boring holes in the heads of those who beat Yoani and Orlando, but not me, on Friday, and have wondered why. I have forgiven and have turned around and condemned.

I have felt the guilt and the blame, I have wondered so many things that I don’t have time to answer myself. I have tried to reconstruct the facts two millions times but I think the gaps are getting worse. I don’t remember Tweeting from the patrol car, I don’t know if the first Tweet was when I was fervently clutching Yoani’s waist or when I saw her legs sticking out of the black State Security car. I don’t remember if I called, did not call, who I called. I can’t even recall the face of the Security agent who was next to me. What I do know is that I was resisting the urge to vomit the whole time, I regret not have sprayed all the coffee I had in my stomach all over my oppressor… at the time I was trying to seem strong.

A writer friend told me: You have to wait, every time you write it will unfold, there is nothing you can hide. She’s right, it doesn’t matter if they know: the brutality confuses me, the abuse makes me want to cry, the injustice stuns me, and these last hours I have had to fight a deep Hatred that wants to subsume me.

A single image frees me, I imagine the dialog between the bearded vulture and his son:

“Papa, what did they teach you in the academy?”
“They taught me to hit really hard without leaving marks.”

Then I run out of fury and irritation, because a profession so mean and despicable awakens no feeling in me.


Anonymous said...

the world is looking at what is happening in cuba.
you yaoni and orlando are in our prayers.
the end game is comming to old loco fidel and his brother.
muy pronto se va acabar la pesadia.

Wondermachine said...

Know that we are reading your words, your cousins and brothers and sisters around the world. Your words are moving to me, profoundly moving.

Anonymous said...

There are currently over 300 articles on Google news about what has happened to you and Yoani.

Since your last post on Monday I have been checking your page every four hours or so, before going to work, at work, at lunch, at work again, on my blackberry, in the evening, at the restaurant, on the train. I suspect half the world is currently checking on you guys.